p0rks0da's avatar

Why ruin my life?

To be sad for a long time is a stressful thing. When that sadness grows to a point of breakdown it is quite terrifying.  All year I had been suffering from a bad relapse in both my body dysmorphia and hypochondria. At the same time I met a girl. A beautiful Mexican girl. Despite how happy I was with her I continued to suffer in silence with my personal problems. Too afraid to ask her for help but also wishing she would ask me what’s wrong. Fast forward 8 months or so. She breaks up with me. Ok, my personal problems I guess were maybe too much for her to deal with. I went through the normal phases of emotions when being dumped. Sorrow, loss, rejection, anger, paranoia. But it was that blow that really was the final nail in my already fragile mental state. I had a meltdown. Unable to stop crying. Unable to enjoy the things I once loved. Just dreading the thought of having to wake up and get out of bed the next day. So what did I do? Well, I went on anti depressants, popped some xanax. Drank to excess. Anything to cope. I went off the SSRI’s quite quickly. The short term affects scared me. But I think for some they can help. I would never say to anyone to not take them, but always know what you’re getting into with them at least. The one positive step I took was to go see a counsellor. And of course I had some amazing friends and family that were concerned and did their best to help me. You know who you all are. Thank you. While I was trying hard, I still felt very down. My depression was deeper rooted than even I thought possible. Years of failing to deal with it will do that. Anyway, fast forward a few weeks. I send this girl a gift. A gift with sentimental value. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe in my own head, I felt it could win her back.

Earlier on tonight I found out for myself that she was lying to me and cheating on me with another guy while we were still together. I understand people make a mistake. But to actually lie, go behind someone’s back like it was a game to them, is incredibly difficult to take. I dunno, I just don’t know how a person can wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and be happy with who they are and not feel shame for what they have done. To screw a person around like that is a very dangerous thing. To do it to somebody who was already suffering with depression and madly in love with you is downright appalling. To not even have the guts to tell me the truth makes this all the more crushing. I am writing this while this latest news is still very raw. Literally an hour ago, I was having a panic attack and crying to the point that my eyes were a bright red. Now, well now I’m just sitting here, staring into nothingness. Wishing I could just sleep for the next year. This can’t go on much longer. I don’t have the strength. I just want to be happy and loved. If I was a better person I know we could have been happy together. Maybe I just drove her to do the things she done. But I never would have lied and cheated like that. I would never want to hurt somebody like the way you have. Everytime you are with that guy, I hope you realize the pain and suffering you caused me to get there. You both need to understand the magnitude of what you have done. I have nothing left, you win.